Remember (Crash of) the Titans

When Crash both lost and gained his Mojo

Um, excuse you, Toys For Bob. In your excitement to announce Crash Bandicoot 4: It’s About Time, you forgot that there was already a Crash Bandicoot 4. Yes, I am referring to Wrath of Cortex, which in Japan was actually straight-up called Crash Bandicoot 4. For that matter, there was also a Crash Bandicoot 5. And six. And seven, kinda. And that’s not getting into all the spin-offs and extra games that you have CALLOUSLY ERASED FROM HISTORY.

I joke, of course. Said games still exist – unfortunately, in some cases. Have you ever played Crash of the Titans? It’s the one where Crash has the tribal tattoos and such. I’ve played Crash of the Titans. A few years ago I had a fortnight off work and chose to spend that time playing Titans, because I hate myself or something. It’s basically like… well, whoever made it (I don’t care enough to do the research) took one look at the Crash series to date (just kidding, it was Radical Entertainment. Here at Retronauts, we always do the research!) and went “well, obviously this isn’t working”.

Do not let DeviantArt see this screenshot.

You know, that beloved box-smashing formula, those excellent linear platforming levels with alternate routes and secrets? All gone. Replaced with, basically, ceaseless fighting. The kind of fighting where you just mash the “punch” button. You have extra moves and stuff that you can unlock, but there’s no real point using them. You can pull off Crash’s traditional spin attack, but to do so you have to actually spin the analogue stick and if you do it for too long you get dizzy and stand still for – and I may be slightly exaggerating this – 45 minutes.

The Titans part of the title refers to the game’s central gimmick – enormous monsters that Crash can take control of, or… “jack”. Stop sniggering! It’s not that kind of game! He doesn’t do that to the monsters, but if he did I have to admit it would spice things up. No, you jump on the monsters and then basically use them to do more of the button-mashing fighting. When your monster is getting weak, you jump onto the next one. There’s no challenge and nothing to get your teeth into at all.

Well, I’m glad someone is smiling.

Also, the levels are rubbish. Yes, the original Crash style was linear, but this is ridiculously flat and uninteresting. There’s basically zero platforming, just moving from area to area fighting the identical minion enemies (who are constantly impersonating Jerry Lewis, HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR) and collecting “Mojo”, which is basically just… blue stuff that levels you up. Slowly. Christ, you barely even break any boxes! That’s the whole point of Crash Bandicoot! It’s the whole point of video games! It’s the whole point of life itself!

Anyway, erm, Crash of the Titans. It’s not very good. If I was permitted to use foul language I would call it Crash of the Shite-ans, but I cannot. It is forbidden.

[Source: Retronauts.com]

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