The All Collectively Then Awards 2019

Transfer over, Keighley!

O rapture! Final night time it was the gaming trade’s annual circlej(Cease that. – Ed) er, celebration of its personal achievements, The Sport Awards! However the live-streamed ceremony wasn’t simply tedious back-slapping! It was additionally the host to a number of big bulletins, comparable to Batman: The Telltale Collection (once more), The Wolf Amongst Us 2 (once more!) and Gears Techniques (AGAIN!!!).

Waking from my catatonic cynicism, I resolved that I might do higher, if solely I had an outlet that lent itself to itemizing video games that adhered to sure standards. Then I remembered! I do! And it’s this!

Presenting the primary (and, let’s face it, in all probability final) annual All Collectively Then Awards!

The “Very Gouda” Award for Greatest Cheese

Winner: James Pond three: Operation Starfish

Runners-up: Good Darkish, Wallace & Gromit’s Grand Adventures, Loss of life Stranding

Underwater undercover agent James Pond’s third rollicking outing (fourth in the event you rely The Aquatic Video games) noticed the fishy fanny journey to the moon itself, the place the nefarious Dr. Possibly (GET IT?!?) is enacting some type of indeterminate evil plan involving mining “stiltonium” from the very cheese that the stalwart selenic satellite tv for pc consists of. On account of this ripe location, nearly each stage is fabricated from cheese they usually have names like Caerphilly Downs, The Backyard of Edam and Tremendous Tacky Cheese Land. A kind of was made up by me. Anyway it will get the award for being much more dedicated to being tacky than the precise recreation Tacky, which is a couple of mouse. Whose title is Tacky. What, you don’t keep in mind Tacky? That’s like saying you don’t keep in mind Firo & Klawd.

The “Ted Glen” Award for Greatest Put up Workplace

Winner: Cosmic Spacehead

Runners-up: Animal Crossing, Postal 2, Loss of life Stranding

The standard Put up Workplace is extraordinarily underrepresented within the in any other case extraordinarily location-diverse interest of The Video Video games. Consequently that is by no means a simple pool of nominees to fill, not to mention decide a winner from. After some sleepless nights, the All Collectively Then Awards Committee (principally me and a stolen bottle of Parish’s gin) determined to present the nod to Cosmic Spacehead’s sterling instance of the shape, a blissful utopian imaginative and prescient of a world the place there isn’t any queue, no person accumulating their pension, and a gloriously open-plan design untainted by cluttersome racks of Glacier Mints, Hob Nobs and Dr. Pepper Zero. That is how Put up Places of work must be, and subsequently I give it my stamp of approval. It’s completely top quality! Tee hee!

Greatest Meals Contained Inside An Object That Is Not Historically Used To Home Meals

Winner: Castlevania 

Runners-up: Streets of Rage, Echidna Wars DX, Loss of life Stranding

Look, you’ve obtained to present a nod to the wall meat, haven’t you? It might appear an apparent selection however imagine me, in the event you cracked a whip at a wall in actual life and located a braised ham hidden behind it, you’d be astonished. Sure, Castlevania completely walks this class – becoming, as a result of it doesn’t have a “run” button. Certainly, wall meat is your solely supply of vitamins right here, so that you’d higher get to lashing some plaster lest you must face Dracula on an empty abdomen. Which might be embarrassing and, frankly, fairly impolite of you to disregard his carefully-placed and freshly-crannied lamb shanks. Simply don’t eat the veal. It’s load-bearing.

The “Attractive Parodius” Award For Sexiest Parodius

Winner: Attractive Parodius

Runners-up: Jikkyou Oshaberi Parodius, Parodius da!, Loss of life Stranding

Actually? Attractive Parodius walked this one. That is the longest-standing class of the All Collectively Then Awards’ storied historical past, and Attractive Parodius has by no means failed to choose up the gold. The actual fact is, fairly merely, Attractive Parodius is the sexiest of the Parodius sequence, and it in all probability all the time will likely be. It is obtained all the pieces. There is a girl’s naked backside. An enormous scrotal sack. Even an octopus, in the event you’re into that bizarre anime stuff. It is a scintillating smorgasbord of sensuality, to not point out some superior taking pictures. And in the event you like corn on the cob, there is a large a type of in it and all. Be sure to avoid wasting of that butter!

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